I Hate You, New Guy Who Sits Next to Me

Location: New York, NY

Well-educated, wear nice shoes to work, living a life of quiet desperation, all that shit.

Friday, March 31, 2006

You dropped a name

On Wednesday, you are not "seeing Julia Roberts". You have tickets to her play. This is not the same thing.

The phrase is not

"kill some more birds with stones". You have definitely not earned the creative license required to jauntily pull that off.

I don't see how this could help you in life.

You say that you "have a trained ear" for telling when someone is on a cell phone. What a perfectly useless skill.

You're not 39.

I can see the majority of your scalp, for Chrissakes.

Stop talking about your screenplay.

This is New York. Everyone and their kebab cart guy has a screenplay. If you've mentioned it to this many people, you've probably even conned a few into reading it.

QED- If it were a good screenplay, you probably wouldn't be sitting next to me as a part-time freelance office monkey.

ps- You can keep dropping the hint, none of us are going to bite. I can easily spend the next several months never once asking what your screenplay is about, knowing that each and every I don't, it's deflating your ego just a little, itty bit. In fact, it will keep me going.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


I have a working pair of scissors. Hope you enjoyed your vacation.

Word is

You're back tomorrow after taking the week off. And I've so enjoyed eating directly over your desk.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Do you hear that?

It's silence. Blessed, golden silence. Names are going un-dropped and asses unkissed throughout the office, but I'm sure you can play catch up tomorrow.

Monday, March 27, 2006


I didn't even know it was possible to slurp a salad. Physically, I just can't understand how it's happening. Perhaps your mouth is built differently than mine.

On your neverending quest

to schmooze and network with as many people as possible in order to get a job writing for TV, I heard you tell a complete stranger's voicemail that "the writing on Guiding Light really sparkles". There's no way you can go to bed tonight feeling good about yourself.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Within 45 seconds

of asking you a question, I realized that you would not stop talking for at least 7-8 minutes, depsite the fact that I only responded with nods and platitudes such as "True, true" and "I can see that". You claim to want to become a minister so that you can "enlighten people" and you think it'd be "nice to have a congregation". I think it's because you enjoy talking at people that are hopelessly chained to one spot, unable to respond or leave, no matter how much they may want to.

You could also become a dentist.


When someone sneezes, you say "Bless you, my child". Even priests would find that annoying (but they'd also be able to get up and leave before 6 PM without taking a half-day).

Easter fractions

We were offered a Peep, and you said you'd split it with someone. Who splits a Peep?

Before you started, you requested an ergonomical footrest for your desk.

I don't have a working pair of scissors. Enough said.

This is my lunch.

When it is in the act of being put into my mouth as I read a magazine quietly at my desk, it does not want to be hurriedly chewed so that I can answer whatever mundane question you have asked me in the spirit of ill-timed conversation. Lettuce died so that I may eat, let's grant it the respect that it deserves.

Your Ipod

Displays the wrong album cover for the artist you are listening to. How you managed to start get three one-sided conversations out of that, I will never know.

This isn't your living room

And thank God, because whatever sort of drug I would have to imbibe to kill my sense of reasoning and therefore actually enter your living room would most likely be detrimental to my health. But on another note, you've been working here for two weeks, part-time. This does not give you the level of comfort required to take off your shoes and pad about the office in your socks. While this was acceptable in college, by the looks of it, you are long, long past the college years. (I would ask, but can't bear the thought of gaining any other window into your life)

Every conversation is not yours to join, Hated New Guy

Just because someone is speaking, it doesn't mean they're speaking to you. And it most certainly doesn't mean they want you to respond.

You answer your cell phone by stating your full name

I hate that.