I Hate You, New Guy Who Sits Next to Me

Location: New York, NY

Well-educated, wear nice shoes to work, living a life of quiet desperation, all that shit.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Congratulations, you're literate.

If you want to hint at your level of intelligence during a department-wide meeting, there are definitely more subtle ways to do it than starting a sentence with "There's an article in Business Week, which I subscribe to..."


And I don't normally like to resort to cheap insults, but an hour and a half locked in a windowless room with you has driven me to it. So wash your friggin hair already.


"For many people, college is the worse time of their life. I don't want to say college sucks, but..."

No, it's not. No one says college is the worst time of their life. Not a single person. In the future, if you're going to provide a window into the perpetually inane inner dialogue that I assume doubles as your soul, please try not to leave it gapingly open. For having never asked, I already know too much about you as it is.

How? HOW?

It can't be possible to have input on every single thing that every person ever says in your presence. And even more unbelievable than that, it can't be possible to bring every single thing said in your presence rocketing back to the possibility of writing for a TV show.

(although you have done nothing but prove me wrong on this so far. I write this more out of a general faith that it's true)

Fourth floor

This morning as I came in the building, you were the only one waiting for the elevator, and I had to make the split-second decision to ride the elevator with you instead of walking up three flights of stairs. God punished me for my sloth by making me have to hear about you pitching your script before 10 AM. I had thought that maybe pre-coffee, the words "new media soap opera" wouldn't give rise to as much fury inside of me, but I was wrong.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


When I pulled my Ipod buds out of my ears this morning and heard you speaking on the phone- about ACTUAL, WORK-RELATED MATTERS- it was so foriegn to me, it was almost as if you were speaking in tongues.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Surely there's some sort of daily limit as to how long a person can spend schmoozing on the phone and trying to sell his "new media soap opera". Not even in terms of hours put in at work. I mean, like, health-wise. Sooner or later you've got to combust from all of the self-promotion.


Every ten minutes or so, you suddenly look up and off to the side, smile kind of coyly, and then rub your hands together, like you're plotting something. If you want me to ask what's up, you're going to have to stop acting like you're the cartoon version of a maniacal overlord.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Ouch. Ew.

When I ask if anyone has any aspirin because I slept on my neck, wrong, you mention that the best part of New York is the little Chinese salons that offer 10-minute massages off the street.

I know you mean hookers. I can't prove it, but I know it.


When I tell you that I think I might be coming down with a cold, you tell me a surefire way to avoid colds is to carry a bottle of Purell with me at all times, because 80% of all colds come from people that touch bacteria on railings and such and then touch their eye.

A. That's not even Purell. That's Duane Reade brand "Hand Sanitizer".
B. A cold is a virus, and does not come from bacteria.
C. Doesn't it seem like scientists would have picked up on this before if it were really true? The fact that in hundreds of years, no one has been able to find a cure for the common cold, but people who use hand sanitizer and don't press their eyes to railings are totally immune?

Monday, April 17, 2006


Don't lean me forward and whisper, "You know what I hate? People who hit "Reply to All" on emails when they don't need to", like you're letting me on some conspiratorial secret. Any other obvious pet peeves that you want to tell me about, like drivers that don't use their turn signals, or people that don't flush? Because I really feel like we're growing closer here.


No, I don't want to know what the word of the day is on dictionary.com. Are you Pee Wee Herman? Then I don't care.


I just heard you yell, and then catch half of your taco bowl after it fell off your plate, just before it hit the floor, while balancing your plate in the other hand. For most people, I'd commend them on their reflexes and quick thinking. For you, I just hate you a little more. No reason.


Doing taxes is bad. Paying taxes is worse. Having to listen to you tell an unecessarily long story about your taxes? Makes me wish I were doing and paying my taxes instead.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

As I write this...(part II)

You are on the phone with the New York Comedy Club, complaining that their street team, the people who stand on the sidewalk and try to get you to see a show, are offending you because they ask you if you "have a sense of humor" or "like comedy" when trying to get you to buy a ticket. Obviously you've just answered their question.

I'm not sure you're meant to be in public, ever.

If a tree falls...

Sometimes questions are rhetorical, New Guy, asked of nobody and -this is important-not meant to be answered. Such as, "Could you annoy the shit out of me any more?"

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


The word "actually" generally relates the sentence that follows it to something that has been said recently, generally either to clarify or contradict. So when you say "Actually, yoga class might be pretty empty tonight", it doesn't really work, because I am certain that we have not spoken about your yoga class today. I'm certain of this because I know I would never have started that conversation, and if you had started that conversation, I would have pretended to be listening to my invisible Ipod.

As I write this

You are on the phone with someone (probably 311), making a "quality of life" complaint because you feel that you're asked to sign petitions or talk about issues on the sidewalk near your apartment a little too often. The evil perpetrator? Children's International. You're like a watchdog for self-absorbed middle class New Yorkers everywhere.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


What do you mean, you're "surprised" that no one has tapped into marketing Passover as a good way to avoid carbs? As if there's a large non-practicing segment of the Jewish population who are overweight due to late night yeast binges.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Did you really just ask me if "North" comes before "Northern" when alphabetizing something? Because you don't seem to be exhibiting the proper level of shame that should follow that question.

Don't EVER

tell someone that you "didn't really think she understood the nuances of the industry". A studio exec told you he didn't have an email address AND YOU BELIEVED HIM.

I bet when girl tell you they don't want to ruin the friendship, you actually believe you're friends to begin with.

You told us about your screenplay

We didn't ask.

Also, I may not be an insider here, but movies that involve time machines don't generally do that well.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Just so you know...

When you meet someone from a studio and they "don't have a business card on them" , so you make them give you their phone number, and when you call their number to find it's a general mailbox, and when you finally get a receptionist, they tell you that the person you're trying to reach doesn't have a voicemail box, email address, or a mailing address where you can send them your writing samples? That's the antithesis of "taking a hint".

But if you want to tell yourself (and me, and everyone around us) that it's "to keep the fans away", well, you do that.

Sartorially speaking

I actually really like your shirt today. But now every time I see it (or another shirt like it) on anyone else, I'll be conditioned to deeply, deeply despise it.

When, God forbid,

I find some joy in my day and laugh quietly at a friend's email, don't look over and ask "OK, who's tickling your fancy now?"

1. Because if I were to answer "Jeff", it wouldn't really make much sense to you.
2. Because it's not early 19th century England, and that phrase is not still in use.