And starring...

Your IMDB profile has a message board on which two people have posted that you're a "terrific actor", and your "time will come". When the only credits to your name are as "Movie Patron #2" and "Hotel Waiter", it's kind of obvious that either you're leaving yourself praise on your own message board, or you and "Movie Patron #1" have a little mutual back scratching thing going on.

East-west

You think the fact that your barber is also moving away is a sign that you're doing the right thing by moving to California. I find it surprising that this is the first person/date/"friend" that has pulled the "I'm moving away and can't see you again" line. Or at least, I find it surprising that you're still believing it.

ring ring

Here's a thought- if you've left a vague voicemail for someone you've met and are trying to schmooze, when they (God forbid) actually call you back, you probably shouldn't have to describe what you look like. That's a sign that you shouldn't be in possession of their phone number in the first place.

Also, you shouldn't lie about your height.

Or ask to call them back on a landline because you're too cheap to use your day minutes.

Or mention the time you took a "client to small claims court".

Another bad sign? If someone can live blog one of your overheard phone calls.

Ew

Don't ever refer to your nasal surgery in passing. It's not the sort of thing that one mentions casually, unless you want to see someone casually gag.

Alpha Bravo

When spelling your name, it's not "B as in baseball". You're 42, your favorite sport is yoga, and that's just not cute.

Rx

I don't understand how you managed to bring up your move to LA with your doctor's receptionist. And yet, I'm slightly thrilled to think that there might be someone out there who cares about this move even less than I.

You're doing it again....

You know, that thing where you talk to me about something I can't even imagine your mother caring about? I don't know how she dealt with you, but to know you now, I'm imagining it involved something highly Oedipal.

Blinding

I'm not saying that you shouldn't wear white pants because it's before Memorial Day. I'm saying you shouldn't wear white pants because they look ridiculous.

Aren't WE the comedian?

When I casually apologize for knocking a post-it off our shared desk, don't say "Oh no! That important post-it? What will I do?" First off, because it would entail you speaking to me. Second, because that's sarcasm, poorly-utilized sarcasm at that, and that is MY fucking domain.

Karma

Oh, you just mentioned that your sister is a lawyer, and that she's married. And you're a "perennial bachelor" and part-time freelance hack. Maybe there is justice in the world.

Puff

"Artist", my ass. You're an unpublished writer, and an actor without any credits to your name. That title is totally based on your own delusional imagination. That's like me calling myself an entrepreneur or a griffin.

Wha?

In the same way that you get on my nerves when you answer rhetorical questions, it annoys me almost as much when you ask rhetorical questions and expect an answer. You just asked how somebody can give their dog beer and donuts, and then looked at me, expectantly, refusing to turn back to work. So I'm left with a few seconds to decide the best answer that strikes a balance between properly inflating what you're trying to depict as your humanitarian ego (so that you'll let me be), and not requiring me to actually devote any thought to this incredibly fucking stupid question (so that I can live with myself).

I went with "I don't know", and it seemed to work. Thank God for small favors.