I Hate You, New Guy Who Sits Next to Me

And starring...

2006-06-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

Your IMDB profile has a message board on which two people have posted that you're a "terrific actor", and your "time will come". When the only credits to your name are as "Movie Patron #2" and "Hotel Waiter", it's kind of obvious that either you're leaving yourself praise on your own message board, or you and "Movie Patron #1" have a little mutual back scratching thing going on.

East-west

2006-06-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

You think the fact that your barber is also moving away is a sign that you're doing the right thing by moving to California. I find it surprising that this is the first person/date/"friend" that has pulled the "I'm moving away and can't see you again" line. Or at least, I find it surprising that you're still believing it.

ring ring

2006-06-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a thought- if you've left a vague voicemail for someone you've met and are trying to schmooze, when they (God forbid) actually call you back, you probably shouldn't have to describe what you look like. That's a sign that you shouldn't be in possession of their phone number in the first place.

Also, you shouldn't lie about your height.

Or ask to call them back on a landline because you're too cheap to use your day minutes.

Or mention the time you took a "client to small claims court".

Another bad sign? If someone can live blog one of your overheard phone calls.

Ew

2006-05-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

Don't ever refer to your nasal surgery in passing. It's not the sort of thing that one mentions casually, unless you want to see someone casually gag.

Alpha Bravo

2006-05-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

When spelling your name, it's not "B as in baseball". You're 42, your favorite sport is yoga, and that's just not cute.

Rx

2006-05-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how you managed to bring up your move to LA with your doctor's receptionist. And yet, I'm slightly thrilled to think that there might be someone out there who cares about this move even less than I.

You're doing it again....

2006-05-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

You know, that thing where you talk to me about something I can't even imagine your mother caring about? I don't know how she dealt with you, but to know you now, I'm imagining it involved something highly Oedipal.

Blinding

2006-05-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying that you shouldn't wear white pants because it's before Memorial Day. I'm saying you shouldn't wear white pants because they look ridiculous.

Aren't WE the comedian?

2006-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

When I casually apologize for knocking a post-it off our shared desk, don't say "Oh no! That important post-it? What will I do?" First off, because it would entail you speaking to me. Second, because that's sarcasm, poorly-utilized sarcasm at that, and that is MY fucking domain.

Karma

2006-05-24T09:51:00.001-07:00

Oh, you just mentioned that your sister is a lawyer, and that she's married. And you're a "perennial bachelor" and part-time freelance hack. Maybe there is justice in the world.

Puff

2006-05-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

"Artist", my ass. You're an unpublished writer, and an actor without any credits to your name. That title is totally based on your own delusional imagination. That's like me calling myself an entrepreneur or a griffin.

Wha?

2006-05-23T12:41:00.003-07:00

In the same way that you get on my nerves when you answer rhetorical questions, it annoys me almost as much when you ask rhetorical questions and expect an answer. You just asked how somebody can give their dog beer and donuts, and then looked at me, expectantly, refusing to turn back to work. So I'm left with a few seconds to decide the best answer that strikes a balance between properly inflating what you're trying to depict as your humanitarian ego (so that you'll let me be), and not requiring me to actually devote any thought to this incredibly fucking stupid question (so that I can live with myself).

I went with "I don't know", and it seemed to work. Thank God for small favors.

East to west

2006-05-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed that every single person you ask about whether they've heard that you're moving to California, hasn't? That's because it's not news, and no one cares.

And what makes you think that if they didn't know you were moving 3000 miles away, they'd give even 1/4th of a shit that you're getting a dog?

Prepositions

2006-05-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

You were not "talking to a head writer about a job at Guiding Light". You were talking AT a head writer about a job at Guiding Light. Leaving creepy, winding voicemails in a general mailbox that you had to hunt down because he refused to give you any sort of contact information does not constitute a conversation.

I sure as hell do not.

2006-05-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

You refer to yourself as a "perennial bachelor", but that usually connotes that it's your own choice. And I have too much faith in my gender to believe that for even a second.

Rx

2006-05-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Don't ever, ever, ever, call up your supervisor and let him know you've arrived for the morning (ahem, afternoon) by announcing "The Doctor is in". Unless there's a newly accredited MD program for unemployed, freelance hacks, in which case, my bad.

Happy dance

2006-05-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Kitschy-ironic conversations about Full House and the TGIFriday lineup of the early 90s are NOT OK when they're being had by 42-year-old men. They might not even be legal.

Frostin'

2006-05-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

When attending an in-office baby shower for a woman you have never spoken to, and surrounded by an entire group of people who rank higher than you on the corporate and societal totem pole, I would recommend against asking if you "can have a piece with a flower on top". K?

Tone deaf

2006-05-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, don't mind you, you were just singing?

You know, merely commanding me not to "mind" you isn't really going to be enough. You see that guy at the desk on the other side of me, sitting there quietly? Doesn't even bother me with "good morning" or "good night"? Him, I don't mind.

Begging and Borrowing

2006-05-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

Do I have 50 cents you can have? Yes.

Do I have any aspirin? Yes.

Am I going to lie to you and tell you otherwise? Yes.

Haven't you learned how this works yet?

LOL

2006-05-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

I can tell when you're laughing faking a laugh to seem charming and convivial. I can tell because you always fake laugh at things that weren't meant to be funny in the first place. If you're going to be insincere, at least get the timing right.

$$$

2006-05-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

When making plans for the weekend (on a Monday???), it's probably not a good idea to tell someone that you "had five things all swirling around in the air, but you were the cheapest option." Unless you're getting a hooker. Which you very well might be.

Add

2006-05-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

If you're going to complain daily about the cost of your salad at the make-your-own salad place, here's a thought- DON'T ADD AS MANY TOPPINGS. It's simple arithmetic.

You could start by leaving off whatever it is that makes the noise like it's engaged in battle when you chew.

Do you want to see a real goofy picture of George Bush?

2006-05-11T11:43:00.000-07:00

No. No I don't. Do I seem like the kind of person that stops eating lunch to look at goofy pictures? So don't ask.

Lightning speed

2006-05-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

You just proudly proclaimed that you had finished all of your work in record time today, then swept your jacket up with a flourish and left.

You're paid by the hour, you idiot.

A conversation about trail mix.

2006-05-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Is what you engaged me in today. Thank you for making every other shallow, mundane interaction I have in my life seem all the more interesting.

RIP

2006-05-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

OK, granted I can only hear one side of it, but no phone conversation should start like this:

HNG: How are you doing?
Other party:
HNG: Did you bury her?
Other party:
HNG: Well, dust to dust, as they say.

The way I see it, there's two answers to your second question:
a. "Yes, in the ground."
b. "No, she's still being refrigerated/embalmed/autopsied."

There have got to be more delicate ways of expressing your condolences. On the other hand, maybe the Other Party has found the easiest and most efficient way of getting off the phone with you, in which case, kudos.

Expressive

2006-05-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today you're wearing a bright red shirt, which is the color of my anger whenever we converse. If tomorrow you wear a sweater the color of my hatred for the self-importance in your speaking tone, and Thursday, a shirt the color of the impatience I feel whenever I know I have unwittingly entered into a conversation with you, then I think that would be neat, and it would save me a lot of trouble.

Do you ever notice....

2006-05-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

that every time you're talking to me, I always end up turning away and typing furiously at my computer as you speak?

Others

2006-05-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

You did not "see that coming" on Lost. No one did. And I know this for a fact, because if you had had some prescient knowledge of Lost, there is no possible way you could have kept your mouth shut until now.

Wrinkle in time

2006-05-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

You don't watch any award shows because you "kinda figure when I get nominated, I'll go". You actually meant this when you said it, completely without jest or sarcasm.

Considering we're living in two completely different realities, mine being bound to the actual world, yours existing in some fantasy plane where the laws of society don't seem to exist, it's kind of incredible that we're able to meet up here at this desk, in this corporate office, at the same time, 3-4 days a week.

O

2006-05-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

A good clue as to whether you're interrupting someone's conversation is that when you begin speaking, the other person's mouth is wide open in an "o" shape in the midst of forming a word, and they have literally had to stop breathing so as not to continue their sentence and cross their words with yours.

Sight

2006-05-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

I can see you staring at me, what with us sitting two feet from each other, and all. I know you want me to ask about something, but the only question popping into my head right now is "Why the fuck are you staring at me?"

It occurs to me...

2006-05-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

That you're only here three days a week, meaning you spend the other four days infringing upon someone else's existence. I'm probably not the only person that is writing a blog about you. One woman's "New Guy Who Sits Next to Me" is probably someone else's "Pushy Customer who Asks for Everything Organic" or "Middle-Aged Guy who Approaches me in a Bar and Won't Stop Rattling on About the Wine List".

Congratulations, you're literate.

2006-04-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

If you want to hint at your level of intelligence during a department-wide meeting, there are definitely more subtle ways to do it than starting a sentence with "There's an article in Business Week, which I subscribe to..."

Prell

2006-04-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

And I don't normally like to resort to cheap insults, but an hour and a half locked in a windowless room with you has driven me to it. So wash your friggin hair already.

Curtains

2006-04-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

"For many people, college is the worse time of their life. I don't want to say college sucks, but..."

No, it's not. No one says college is the worst time of their life. Not a single person. In the future, if you're going to provide a window into the perpetually inane inner dialogue that I assume doubles as your soul, please try not to leave it gapingly open. For having never asked, I already know too much about you as it is.

How? HOW?

2006-04-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

It can't be possible to have input on every single thing that every person ever says in your presence. And even more unbelievable than that, it can't be possible to bring every single thing said in your presence rocketing back to the possibility of writing for a TV show.

(although you have done nothing but prove me wrong on this so far. I write this more out of a general faith that it's true)

Fourth floor

2006-04-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

This morning as I came in the building, you were the only one waiting for the elevator, and I had to make the split-second decision to ride the elevator with you instead of walking up three flights of stairs. God punished me for my sloth by making me have to hear about you pitching your script before 10 AM. I had thought that maybe pre-coffee, the words "new media soap opera" wouldn't give rise to as much fury inside of me, but I was wrong.

Biz

2006-04-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

When I pulled my Ipod buds out of my ears this morning and heard you speaking on the phone- about ACTUAL, WORK-RELATED MATTERS- it was so foriegn to me, it was almost as if you were speaking in tongues.

FDA

2006-04-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

Surely there's some sort of daily limit as to how long a person can spend schmoozing on the phone and trying to sell his "new media soap opera". Not even in terms of hours put in at work. I mean, like, health-wise. Sooner or later you've got to combust from all of the self-promotion.

Eggcellent.

2006-04-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Every ten minutes or so, you suddenly look up and off to the side, smile kind of coyly, and then rub your hands together, like you're plotting something. If you want me to ask what's up, you're going to have to stop acting like you're the cartoon version of a maniacal overlord.

Ouch. Ew.

2006-04-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

When I ask if anyone has any aspirin because I slept on my neck, wrong, you mention that the best part of New York is the little Chinese salons that offer 10-minute massages off the street.

I know you mean hookers. I can't prove it, but I know it.

Ignorance

2006-04-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

When I tell you that I think I might be coming down with a cold, you tell me a surefire way to avoid colds is to carry a bottle of Purell with me at all times, because 80% of all colds come from people that touch bacteria on railings and such and then touch their eye.

A. That's not even Purell. That's Duane Reade brand "Hand Sanitizer".
B. A cold is a virus, and does not come from bacteria.
C. Doesn't it seem like scientists would have picked up on this before if it were really true? The fact that in hundreds of years, no one has been able to find a cure for the common cold, but people who use hand sanitizer and don't press their eyes to railings are totally immune?

Shhh...

2006-04-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

Don't lean me forward and whisper, "You know what I hate? People who hit "Reply to All" on emails when they don't need to", like you're letting me on some conspiratorial secret. Any other obvious pet peeves that you want to tell me about, like drivers that don't use their turn signals, or people that don't flush? Because I really feel like we're growing closer here.

Cherry!

2006-04-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

No, I don't want to know what the word of the day is on dictionary.com. Are you Pee Wee Herman? Then I don't care.

Gravity

2006-04-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I just heard you yell, and then catch half of your taco bowl after it fell off your plate, just before it hit the floor, while balancing your plate in the other hand. For most people, I'd commend them on their reflexes and quick thinking. For you, I just hate you a little more. No reason.

1040

2006-04-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Doing taxes is bad. Paying taxes is worse. Having to listen to you tell an unecessarily long story about your taxes? Makes me wish I were doing and paying my taxes instead.

As I write this...(part II)

2006-04-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

You are on the phone with the New York Comedy Club, complaining that their street team, the people who stand on the sidewalk and try to get you to see a show, are offending you because they ask you if you "have a sense of humor" or "like comedy" when trying to get you to buy a ticket. Obviously you've just answered their question.

I'm not sure you're meant to be in public, ever.

If a tree falls...

2006-04-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes questions are rhetorical, New Guy, asked of nobody and -this is important-not meant to be answered. Such as, "Could you annoy the shit out of me any more?"

Actually...

2006-04-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

The word "actually" generally relates the sentence that follows it to something that has been said recently, generally either to clarify or contradict. So when you say "Actually, yoga class might be pretty empty tonight", it doesn't really work, because I am certain that we have not spoken about your yoga class today. I'm certain of this because I know I would never have started that conversation, and if you had started that conversation, I would have pretended to be listening to my invisible Ipod.

As I write this

2006-04-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

You are on the phone with someone (probably 311), making a "quality of life" complaint because you feel that you're asked to sign petitions or talk about issues on the sidewalk near your apartment a little too often. The evil perpetrator? Children's International. You're like a watchdog for self-absorbed middle class New Yorkers everywhere.

Shalom

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

What do you mean, you're "surprised" that no one has tapped into marketing Passover as a good way to avoid carbs? As if there's a large non-practicing segment of the Jewish population who are overweight due to late night yeast binges.

ABC

2006-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Did you really just ask me if "North" comes before "Northern" when alphabetizing something? Because you don't seem to be exhibiting the proper level of shame that should follow that question.

Don't EVER

2006-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

tell someone that you "didn't really think she understood the nuances of the industry". A studio exec told you he didn't have an email address AND YOU BELIEVED HIM.

I bet when girl tell you they don't want to ruin the friendship, you actually believe you're friends to begin with.

You told us about your screenplay

2006-04-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

We didn't ask.

Also, I may not be an insider here, but movies that involve time machines don't generally do that well.

Just so you know...

2006-04-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

When you meet someone from a studio and they "don't have a business card on them" , so you make them give you their phone number, and when you call their number to find it's a general mailbox, and when you finally get a receptionist, they tell you that the person you're trying to reach doesn't have a voicemail box, email address, or a mailing address where you can send them your writing samples? That's the antithesis of "taking a hint".

But if you want to tell yourself (and me, and everyone around us) that it's "to keep the fans away", well, you do that.

Sartorially speaking

2006-04-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

I actually really like your shirt today. But now every time I see it (or another shirt like it) on anyone else, I'll be conditioned to deeply, deeply despise it.

When, God forbid,

2006-04-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

I find some joy in my day and laugh quietly at a friend's email, don't look over and ask "OK, who's tickling your fancy now?"

1. Because if I were to answer "Jeff", it wouldn't really make much sense to you.
2. Because it's not early 19th century England, and that phrase is not still in use.

You dropped a name

2006-03-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday, you are not "seeing Julia Roberts". You have tickets to her play. This is not the same thing.

The phrase is not

2006-03-31T12:40:00.000-08:00

"kill some more birds with stones". You have definitely not earned the creative license required to jauntily pull that off.

I don't see how this could help you in life.

2006-03-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

You say that you "have a trained ear" for telling when someone is on a cell phone. What a perfectly useless skill.

You're not 39.

2006-03-31T09:07:00.000-08:00

I can see the majority of your scalp, for Chrissakes.

Stop talking about your screenplay.

2006-03-31T08:58:00.000-08:00

This is New York. Everyone and their kebab cart guy has a screenplay. If you've mentioned it to this many people, you've probably even conned a few into reading it.

QED- If it were a good screenplay, you probably wouldn't be sitting next to me as a part-time freelance office monkey.

ps- You can keep dropping the hint, none of us are going to bite. I can easily spend the next several months never once asking what your screenplay is about, knowing that each and every I don't, it's deflating your ego just a little, itty bit. In fact, it will keep me going.

NOW

2006-03-30T14:53:00.000-08:00

I have a working pair of scissors. Hope you enjoyed your vacation.

Word is

2006-03-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

You're back tomorrow after taking the week off. And I've so enjoyed eating directly over your desk.

Do you hear that?

2006-03-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's silence. Blessed, golden silence. Names are going un-dropped and asses unkissed throughout the office, but I'm sure you can play catch up tomorrow.

Honestly?

2006-03-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

I didn't even know it was possible to slurp a salad. Physically, I just can't understand how it's happening. Perhaps your mouth is built differently than mine.

On your neverending quest

2006-03-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

to schmooze and network with as many people as possible in order to get a job writing for TV, I heard you tell a complete stranger's voicemail that "the writing on Guiding Light really sparkles". There's no way you can go to bed tonight feeling good about yourself.

Within 45 seconds

2006-03-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

of asking you a question, I realized that you would not stop talking for at least 7-8 minutes, depsite the fact that I only responded with nods and platitudes such as "True, true" and "I can see that". You claim to want to become a minister so that you can "enlighten people" and you think it'd be "nice to have a congregation". I think it's because you enjoy talking at people that are hopelessly chained to one spot, unable to respond or leave, no matter how much they may want to.

You could also become a dentist.

Gezundheit

2006-03-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

When someone sneezes, you say "Bless you, my child". Even priests would find that annoying (but they'd also be able to get up and leave before 6 PM without taking a half-day).

Easter fractions

2006-03-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

We were offered a Peep, and you said you'd split it with someone. Who splits a Peep?

Before you started, you requested an ergonomical footrest for your desk.

2006-03-24T09:07:00.000-08:00

I don't have a working pair of scissors. Enough said.

This is my lunch.

2006-03-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

When it is in the act of being put into my mouth as I read a magazine quietly at my desk, it does not want to be hurriedly chewed so that I can answer whatever mundane question you have asked me in the spirit of ill-timed conversation. Lettuce died so that I may eat, let's grant it the respect that it deserves.

Your Ipod

2006-03-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

Displays the wrong album cover for the artist you are listening to. How you managed to start get three one-sided conversations out of that, I will never know.

This isn't your living room

2006-03-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

And thank God, because whatever sort of drug I would have to imbibe to kill my sense of reasoning and therefore actually enter your living room would most likely be detrimental to my health. But on another note, you've been working here for two weeks, part-time. This does not give you the level of comfort required to take off your shoes and pad about the office in your socks. While this was acceptable in college, by the looks of it, you are long, long past the college years. (I would ask, but can't bear the thought of gaining any other window into your life)

Every conversation is not yours to join, Hated New Guy

2006-03-24T08:52:00.001-08:00

Just because someone is speaking, it doesn't mean they're speaking to you. And it most certainly doesn't mean they want you to respond.

You answer your cell phone by stating your full name

2006-03-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

I hate that.